Saturday, March 30, 2013

What We're Waiting For

It feels like everyone around me is having babies right now.  While I'm beyond thrilled for them and can't wait to meet their new little ones, I'm feeling such mixed emotions.

In my early 20's, I always said I didn't want kids, and that I just wanted to be the cool aunt to my sister's kids.  My mom prayed that I would change my mind, and inside, I hoped I would too.  Part of me told myself that I didn't want kids because I thought I'd never meet Mr. Right and I didn't want to be supremely let down when/if kids weren't a reality.  Other parts of me were horrified at the thought of child birth and felt like children were cooler when they were someone else's.  You can say that kids weren't even a glimmer in my eye at that age.

When I got into my late 20's, my mind did change.  I decided that I would want my kids to take care of me when I was old, and I wanted kids who had the same kind of relationship with me that I have with my mom (she's pretty spectacular, as moms go).  I also knew that by saying that, I was also facing the need to find a suitable life partner and co-parent for these kids in my dreams, and that was SO scary.  What if I never met The One?  What if I ended up alone at 40, and needed to pursue artificial insemination or adoption?  I seriously thought about this daily and prayed that I'd meet the right guy sooner rather than later.  I knew I wanted more than a baby daddy for my kids, but admitting that I now needed to find that guy was daunting.  I was still horrified at the thought of child birth, but hoped that an epidural would save me someday.

At 29, I met Hubs and I knew very early on that he would be a great dad.  We fell in love, got hitched and agreed that we would wait a year to a year and a half before trying to conceive.  I knew we had time, but everyone kept asking, "You're married now, what are you waiting for??"  At the time, I said that we were just giving ourselves time to enjoy married life, but part of me was ready to try right away.  But, I was loving sleeping in on the weekends, going wherever, whenever with Hubs, and having extra money for fun stuff.  We, collectively, just weren't ready.

A few months ago, baby fever kicked in BIG TIME.  Like gale force winds blowing baby dreams around in my mind, the swirling cylcone of baby thoughts would just.not.end.  I was ready, but circumstances in my life weren't ideal.  While I have an amazing husband and family, we were waiting.

Waiting for a bigger house.

Waiting for a bigger savings account.

Waiting for me to have the right job.

Now people say that you never feel 100% ready for a baby, but things for us aren't even close to ready.  We live in a 928 square foot condo, the condo I owned since my single days but have been unable to sell due to declining housing values.  We don't have the kind of savings account that makes me feel comfortable with kids in the picture.  I just left my job.  Yeah, things aren't ideal.

I want kids so bad right now, and it just makes me sad.  I feel like all of this kid business hinges on me, and the pressure I've put on myself is astronomical.  Especially now that I'm jobless and praying for the right opportunity to come along, it seems like my biological clock is ticking faster and louder than ever.  TICK TOCK.  Hubs would be fine waiting another 5 years if I wanted, but I'm not getting any younger and I can't really afford to take that long. That's what happens when you marry a guy that's younger than you.

It helps that my twin sister is currently pregnant, which takes some of the pressure from the parentals off of me for now, but I know that won't last forever.  They will be wanting more grandkids, and I'll be dying for little ones of my own.  Seeing my sister's baby is going to make my baby fever kick in even harder, and it's going to be hard putting this off any more.

I'm praying that in the next couple of months, things in my life fall into place and circumstances become more ideal for kids.  In the meantime, I'll be cooing over Instagram and Facebook pictures of everyone's kids, dreaming of the day when I'll have one of my own.  My fingers are crossed hoping that the day we're waiting for is coming soon.  We're waiting, but hopefully not for long.


Nichole said...

Um you left your job?? Hope all is okay. I completely understand how you feel, and while I don't have kids yet, everything happens the way it is supppposed to and I think you and I are planners, but sometimes we can't plan it all.

ashleypalmer625 said...

Kari, I completely understand. I want kids right now SO badly, especially since just about all of my friends have one or are having one. I feel so left out. But in my head, I know that by waiting, my kids in the future will have a better life than I can give them right now, and that's what keeps me going! For now, hug on sister's baby <3

Lauren said...

I totally get where you are coming from! I really want kids soon and we've had some not so ideal situations come up over the past few months (family illness, new job, etc.) that would make it very difficult to be able to have a baby for us at this point. But as I always like to say it'll happen when it's meant to be for sure, for now I just keep on lovin' on my best friends little kiddos and it's all good :-)

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