Fact: I'm hyper-sensitive.
Fact: I have a tendency to take everything personally.
Fact: I let my emotions get the best of me more than I'd like to admit.
I know these things about myself, and I've worked on them, but they still lingers like an asshole ex-boyfriend. You know the type: You have an ugly break up because you were so over it, he stays dormant (i.e. out of your life) for awhile, and just when you had all but forgotten about him, he calls you up and says he misses you. Ugh. Then you go back to him like an addict, only to realize that you have to kick the habit once and for all. I'm at a place where I'm tired of my over-sensitivity circling back all the time, and I want to kick it out once and for all. However, I just can't seem to pull the trigger. I think it's just how I'm wired, and it will probably never change.
Being sensitive is great in certain aspects. The ability to feel emotion makes you feel like you're living. Those ups and downs show you that life has tremendous joy and sorrow, and experiencing those feelings is a necessary and fulfilling part of being here in this world. I love to know what real happiness feels like. I have, on the other hand, had my emotions come back to bite me in the ass. I am a crier, and whenever I get really mad or frustrated, the water works begin. I've cried at work, I've cried at inopportune moments where I was totally exposed and embarrassed, and I've cried over being in minor amounts of pain. I try to contain my emotions to the best of my ability, but I'm not made of wood, people. I let my feelings do the talking from time to time, and sometimes I wish I hadn't.
I haven't had good luck in my life with expressing emotion. At times, I've let other people in and told them about things that are really personal to me. Many of those times, I've heard crickets. Literally, I got no response from my friends who supposedly cared about me, even though I was sharing important news, feelings and desires for my life that I wouldn't tell just anybody. Those experiences left me feeling dejected, hurt, confused and standoffish, and I came to believe that no one other than my family wanted to hear about anything I was going through personally. Maybe I haven't been blessed with friends who can handle those conversations, or maybe those "friends" I mentioned were straight-up bitches. Who knows. All I know is that I haven't always felt the support I needed to feel safe about sharing a lot of my personal struggles with people.
That's where this little blog comes in. I started this blog around a year and a half ago as a place to document my husband and I's life together after we got married. While that has been a part of it, my blog has also become a place to talk about other things that are important to me. I will admit, I haven't been as personal on my blog as I would like. Right now there's this push for honesty and transparency in blogging, and I admit that while I've never been dishonest, I haven't shared all of myself. While I write a lot about things I love and where I'm happiest, I haven't written extensively about many of the real issues I think about and see daily. Why? The blogging world has some mean girls, and not everyone is as supportive as they seem to be. However, there are also FAR more sweet and wonderful people who encourage and support you during your highs and lows. Those people make THIS so rewarding.
As far as sharing everything goes, I've dipped a toe in the water, but shied away after feeling like I didn't get much support on heavier topics. The cheerleader in me says I should keep trying and not give up, which is a very healthy attitude to have. Another part of me is scared of letting people in again, and hoping that if I do, I won't be met with crickets. See my struggle? I'm being honest about it right here.
So, I'm making a commitment to share more of myself, and whatever happens, happens. I want to be open here, in my little corner of the internet, and use my blog for what it should be used for. My story. My loves. My life. (And all of the plusses and minuses in between.)